“how i lost you in a flick of a second, that even a goodbye was left unsaid.”

A rather hectic time at College, I was finally done with all the continuous assessments for the semester and wanted a break. So, I raid the LAN, find the movie “Love Breakup Zindagi”. Clichéd movie that it is, there is a dialogue that starts at around 1:10:30 into the movie “life is too short. That whatever is to happen, it is the present, the chance is present. That delaying might let the opportunity get away. ”

I cannot count how many times I have felt this way. I have wondered many a times how different things would have been had a sorry or a thank you been told even just moment earlier or later. Those angry words, those honest words, those white lies, blatant lies. Well, you get the drift.

This post is about saying a Sorry and whether a delay could make a difference.

For many, uttering a sorry takes so much effort. I knew a person who said (read: boasted) that he would never apologise but makes the other person feel so guilty and apologise even when he is the one at fault. Ha!
Another observation: Obviously saying it when I am wrong is obligatory, but a number of people’s first reaction would be to get defensive and state that it they should not be the first to apologise when it is not their fault.
I quote another friend, Rameshwari (aka Ramu) who said, just because someone apologises, it does not make the fault theirs, nor do they lose respect in any way. It takes a good soul to take an initiative and make amends. I have always believed in it too. When the guy told me that he has made people apologise, my first reaction was, what a shallow guy and how many times has he made ME feel guilty, without it being my fault. I could most probably fill up a book with the number of times I have told him I was sorry. But then, a little while later, I realised, each time I apologised or made up for something I (thought I) did, I felt good after apologising. That was all that mattered.

The time factor. This is quite important. I vehemently think the saying part should be taken care of as soon as one can. Be it 20 days, 20 years, say it if you think you have to. Forget getting forgiveness. Not all are that big hearted to forgive immediately. As immediate I am at saying a sorry, I am not really that prompt in forgiving. But the wound heals. That I know. But too much of a delay just makes one stoic or bitter, to the extent that there is absolutely no remorse or grief even when the person is no more. I do not know.
But the desire to forgive would obviously not top that list. I would really not care if their soul was restlessly wandering, for the chains were forged by them and not I and it would be their duty to drag it around. Anyway, saying a sorry is never going to hurt the one saying it, right?

Furthermore, beyond these 2 factors, there are factors:
1. Courage
2. The willingness of the other party to sort things out, or even just the time and patience to listen to what one has to say.
3. The sincerity in the actions or words.
4. Ability to explain without sounding like a justification.
5. Ability to put things behind and just let something be: to let go: for ALL those involved
6. To start afresh if that is what it takes.

While the above are indeed difficult, trying never hurts. I did and I will even though every time I sort things out, I feel less and less courageous, and more and more like tearing down an unbreakable wall. Maybe I’ll hold on too long, maybe I will give up on certain people, even if they are too precious to let go.
But until then, maybe I will keep giving people that one last chance again and again. And hope that they will give me too, for to err is human, to forgive divine, and to make amends is a choice.

Until then,

To all the people I owe a sorry and I chose to talk to, and who refuse: one day maybe someday, i’ll give up and that day would be when I can talk to you no more.

To all the people who are ready to, but I lack courage, please give me that one last chance too. I will apologise.

On that note take my word: say a sorry, as soon as you can. forgive, as soon as you can. life is really too short.

“unnai enni paarkaiyil kavithai kottuthu.. athai ezhutha ninaikaiyil vaarthai muttuthu” and ”

The lines mean that when I think of you, I feel a poem coming, but when i want to put it on paper, I lose the ability to form words.
How true.
When I think of something that affects me, I feel a speech forming in my head. So I think, why not go and talk about it to the person who is the reason for it. Somehow when I go and I am say 5 feet away, I become speechless. I forget everything that formed in my head. call it losing courage. call it contemplating as to whether the speech would actually be worth it.

Maybe, I am afraid of my own temper and inability to control my emotions. A number of times, I have said things I have regretted even as soon as it leaves my mouth. but as the saying goes words once spilt can’t be taken back.

oh! hold that thought. Of late, I have not even regretted. Yet again, that is for a different post. coming back, why does it get so difficult to say things. to have a chat, to sort things out. and why is it that most times, when it would have been the simplest solution, it just gets complicated since either the other person is very difficult to judge and hence I cant understand if (s)he is ready to talk about it. or I hesitate so much cause i am the Guilty one or I am waiting for the other to apologise since the other is the guilty one.

why is it so difficult to sort things out?
why does life become so complicated the more older i get?
was I not supposed to have started understanding life by now. yeah started…
why do issues have to have so many layers and have built up anger or morose or regret or anything.
I mean emotions themselves having so many layers…
I wish i was a care free kid.

has anyone really grasped what Gandhiji wanted and worked for?

I am no exception …. but I will try to be better …

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_languages_by_first_written_accounts

Regards

Proud Tamizhachi

When my mother used to say that she always knew in her heart when her siblings were in trouble, I did not understand. But now I can. Blame the age, blame whatever you want. But even now, when he falls sick at his place, I also fall sick here. Maybe that is what siblinghood is. Maybe not.
But it’s not just that. It’s more and it has to be experienced to understand.

I have a brother. An elder one… (Yeah one year 4 months older … but older … hmmm like THAT gives him more brains? ) Ok… Maybe he does have. Fine!!
Out of all the memories with my brother, I think the best one would be the one I can’t remember but my parents have told me a number of times.
Since we are only a year and half apart, both of us were more or less the same age at most times. Especially when we were babies/toddlers. My parents say that we had such an understanding timetable that one would sleep right though the awake time of the other. : P. And my mother also says that apparently when either one was with our mother and the other wanted the attention all she had to say was (insert one sibling reference) see (insert other sibling reference) needs something, and the first one would silently give way to the other. Cute Na?
That is my Anna for you (Anna is the Tamil word for elder brother).

From the age that I started thinking, I have, as far as I can remember, copied whatever my brother does. And my parents also know this that if they wanted me to do something, the easiest way was to ask my brother to tell me to do it. That was the extent I looked up to him and followed him like a puppy. And Difficult to explain in words, But when I say he has done a lot for me, I mean A LOT! So obviously he comes ahead of my parents also for me sometimes. (Did I tell I obey him better than I obey them??) .

But somehow, when adolescence dawned, the one true friend, my brother was somehow slipping away. Hell, I did not like it. But studies, Board exams, other things, College for him, Preparatory for college for me… and SNAP! I am 20.
Yeah 20 was a huge milestone in my life. (Yeah one year 4 months into it and I am saying this … I know )
But makes one think because now my feet were into the decade where all the major decisions of my life will be made. And then, somehow, the maturity in thinking starts. It took a year but I realised a lot of things.
Ever since Anna (my brother) left for hostel, I had no one to ape. So I was left to myself and then my personality developed without my knowledge. Last 4 – 5 years I have matured mentally way way more than the first 16 years of my life.

And I am glad. So I thought time to make amends. August 31, 2011. The day… what a nice long talk I had with him. Cleared out so many things and figured him out once again (I think!)… No longer strangers. The entire 10 years of adolescence having the time of her life and BAM! She is out of the picture now!

And what more… I know that now once again, he is my number top friend, confidant, guide, et al…
Yet, I still can maintain my identity and he his… our thoughts may now vary, our goals, needs etc etc… Just details….. But At least for now, nothing can drive us apart…. not the anger/ disappointment that we don’t talk often on phone that we talk in monosyllables when we do… and yeah most of all… teh respect for one another and their personal space….

Ultimately that is what siblings are for right? To look out for one another. To be the pseudo parents. That one person you can tell EVERYTHING to and trust them to not spill it out to your parents (ha! need something to blackmail the other … come on!)
The best sibling combination you can have. Is that one a brother sister? Take it from me. It is so much easier when you grow up with a person of the opposite sex. It gave me a sense of perspective. And when I see my cousins who are the only child to their parents, there is this immediate feeling inside which says, so what I am there, their elder sister, my brother theirs too… yeah. Maybe my cousins and I would not share the same closeness like I do with my brother, but that feeling of siblinghood extends. And maybe sometime in future, we cousins might grow closer. Who knows!
anyway, the point is, when I titled this as my brother greatest, I did so because, NOW I realise how he always protected me and that even during the adolescent age, he actually would not have left me to fend for myself, but we were on our own “lets figure ourselves out” phases. Yeah, he said the other day, that I am kind of the most level headed between us. Maybe. But I know that I still know him and I am what I am today mainly because of him.

And I hope it is never late, and maybe never the right time to say: thank you! And I love you! I know that we will always share the special bond that may other siblings with the age differences similar to ours have never really had. And what more, we are back at the age where we now are more or less of the same wavelength and can understand each other better!
And what more, when everybody talks so much about the bad kind, with the whole sibling rivalry thing, I can tell them, that is just stupid… look at us. We have had our moments (yeah all the fights when we were kids, the jealousy, the attachment…), and we stuck through it all…. and we will forever and after. *touchwood